Setbacks/tragedies in life, let's talk about it

Maybe this isn’t the best place to talk about it, but right now it does feel like it. For several years now I’ve been stuck in life. Just not knowing what to do. Back in 2011 my father died, totally out of the blue. He was my hero, God rest his soul. In 2013 my grandmother died, mother of my father. Respectable age, but still a huge hit. Then in 2018 my mother passed away, again, very unpredictable, and at the same time the last stop for my dog had been reached. What a horrible time and something I just can’t seem to accept and move past. On the same day that we had to give our mother our final goodbyes I had to decide at the pet doctor to give my dog the last goodbye. I loved my bulldog so much, but suffering could not be part of that.

I just cannot seem to accept that this is part of life. Every single night I dream of my loved ones that are no longer here, having a ridiculously hard time coping with it. On one hand I love that I keep seeing them in my dreams, at the same time I realize it’s holding me back. I have no job right now, and I’m perfectly fine with that, is that weird? Trying to find happiness again in life. I am not a big drinker at all, but I just had some sambucca glasses and it feels great. I’m not myself at all. Which just feels great.

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I’m so sorry to hear all of that. I’ve never went through something so terrible as that so I don’t think I’d be able to understand fully what you’re going through.

I’d say that a forum may not be the best place to talk about something as that, something that deeply affects you, but it is a fantastic thing that you feel comfortable enough to open up to people on here about it and you are able to talk about it because that’s a big step a lot of people don’t get to.

Finding happiness in life is a constant struggle for nearly everyone, I think everyone has times when they are really low but doesn’t know when it will end. I know I went through that for years. Achieving happiness is different for a lot of people, mine was finding a path through life I wanted to go on but it does take time. Being in a rut was the hardest thing for me, that’s what took me the longest to get out of.

Your loved ones will always be with you but you have to figure out what you want to do to move forward and you may not know what that is but you just have to be proactive in finding what that is cause when you can figure out your first step in that, you will feel a wave of excitement, motivation and relief.

You will get there but I am glad to see you’re open to talk about it.

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I’m so sorry. I’m not particularly religious, although I am still technically a Catholic. If it’s any help, I thought I’d share a story.

My maternal grandmother passed away relatively unexpectedly in 2017. Around the time, the mom’s side of the family was planning a trip to Scotland. She was supposed to join, but obviously, those plans fell through.

A few weeks later, in the cold of winter, my dad and the dog were taking a walk around the neighborhood. A breeze blew, and in front them in the gutter, lied a guide book. A map and list of attractions in Scotland. The exact book my mom has been looking for but had been sold out… everywhere. We live in Canada.

I wasn’t very spiritual, but that was too much to chock up to pure coincidence. Even if you can’t sense them, I truly believe they are with you.

My DMs are always open if you want to chat. And in the here and now, be sure to give Lara lots of pets and love.

Edit: Just a few corrections to the story after discussing it with my folks.

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I’m so sorry for your losses Staffy. I’ve had similar periods of indescribable loss over the years and it never gets any easier. In 2011, I lost my little brother (who I essentially raised) to suicide and I watched my grandfather fade away slowly after fracturing his skull and being in a coma for the last months of his life. In 2018, I found one of my cats dead in his room after suffering from heart failure; I had raised him since birth and he was one of the sweetest animals I’ve ever been fortunate enough to have in my life (he was with me through all the other losses and heartbreaks).

I’m an atheist and someone who constantly thinks about death. I find comfort in the worst moments by thinking about the billions and billions of beings that have existed on this planet all these millennia, and then how infinitely improbable that my life intersected with all these amazing people and animals that have graced my life. Though some of them are gone, celebrating and cherishing that cosmic happenstance brings me some semblance of peace.

Never apologize for feeling. Also, your job does not define you nor does it have to be the lynchpin for your life’s meaning - some of the best moments of self-discovery have occurred, for me, when I’ve been removed from the standard patterns of life. I don’t know that the dreams ever stop, mine haven’t, but I choose to ignore the bitter and hold onto the sweet.

From one light-drinker (I can’t have much or often), enjoy the catharsis from being able to disconnect and don’t overdue it… and drink water.

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Sorry for your losses Staffy, I can only imagine how hard it must be. But if I can say one thing, talking about it and the desire to deal with all of this, to find happiness again as you said, is such an important and difficult step to take.

And just repeating what Knottian said, “never apologize for feeling” every single one of your feelings are legit, even though some are harder to deal with, there’s something to learn with them.

Ifvyou ever wish to talk, just hit my DMs.

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Have you considered working with a therapist or some other mental health professional? They might be able to help you sort through some of these feelings.

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Sometimes it can help. Back in 2011 I talked to “strangers” on I believe it was Neogaf then and it definitely helped a little. Seeing different views from people on it and advice, or their own experiences. But it isn’t something I usually do though. For some reason I wanted to write it off my chest, I’m sure the alcohol contributed to that too and I barely ever drink it.

I absolutely believe our loved ones are still with us in a way and my biggest wish is that once it’s my time to leave that I will meet them all again up there. That would be the best. My father playing guitar, no depression for him there, my mother and my stepfather joking around, all our lovely animals and so on.

Wow, that’s incredible. Sometimes you hear those stories and you think nothing of it, just coincidence like you said. Until it happens to you, very interesting and beautiful too. There just has to be something to that.

As for Lara, oh man she’s beyond amazing. They truly feel it when you don’t feel good. They don’t leave your side and follow you etc.

Oh man, hitting the nail on its head right there, it truly doesn’t get easier. Back when my father passed away I was told you get stronger and it gets easier and I guess that goes for some maybe but I don’t see it that way, sadly. I am very sorry to hear about your losses man and losing a little brother like that is just something I can’t imagine. Life can be great a lot of the time but it can be so damn horrible too.

The second part you wrote, that is beautifully said actually. That’s a nice way to think about such things. Thanks for the words of encouragement man, greatly appreciate it. And I’m the same as you, I barely ever drink alcohol and when I do I notice I start to get nouseous rather quickly. I much rather have a nice can of cola or just some other kind of juice, or just water. I wish I had followed your advice and stopped at those four shots, instead of that my stupid ass grabbed the bottle and started chugging like crazy and I have no idea why I did that. This got me extremely dizzy, RDR2 was unplayable at that point, lol. Decided to just hit the bed. Threw up like crazy and then fell asleep.

Today I’ve been extremely nouseous all day, could not eat either until a hour ago. Sandwich and some milk and water. But that damn nouseous feeling is still there, damn, I’ve learned my lesson. Buddy of mine said that drinking one shot now actually will help, but I am not going near it, hell no. Hope the nousea is gone tomorrow.

Talking can definitely help, for sure. I rather not bother my brother and friends with it too much. Can often be better to talk with people that you don’t really know, if that makes sense.

I am strongly considering it, been holding off with doing so, thinking that it would work out fine. But to this day I dream about all of them every night. On one hand its nice, on the other not really because as soon as you wake up you realize again they’re all gone. They dreams itself are most of the time good, they are all alive in it, the waking up sucks. Often goes combined with a fast beating heart too.

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I just going to say when my grandma told me. “Respect and love the ones you lost. But hold on to your family and Friends that are still around and make new friend where possible. It will never replace those you lost but will keep you looking ahead”

Sorry for you going through some hard times. Never be afraid to talk to grief consolers if you are feeling overwhelmed.

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Lost my mom november 2020 Grandma died in april of this year

All i have left is my dad

Ive really invested myself into my job, and have become obsessed with nutrition and the gym

It definitely helps me

Also reading books

I hope you find a similar peace @Staffy

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Iv been there. I think of my mom everyday and other friends who have passed. Appreciate any you still have left. Honestly having a kid really changed how I look at things. You think you care now then when you have a kid your more committed to that person than anything. It’s life altering. Sounds like that would be a good thing for you. You’ll get to show them pictures and talk about thier family. It’s therapeutic and I’m sure most people can agree here being a parent is the best ever. As much as I miss my mom I know they would be proud of me and I think that sounds like what u need

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While I still have both my parents, they are entering the final stages of their life and it has been hard to cope with. It’s like a freight train is coming to run you over and there is nothing you can do to stop it. I don’t really have a support system past them, so I’m hoping I don’t enter some really dark place when they are gone. I guess I get some peace in knowing it is a child’s “job” to experience this and the loss of a parent. You wouldn’t be feeling this pain today if you never experienced their love yesterday.

Don’t go down that dark path of medicating yourself with alcohol or drugs, it’s a slippery slope that will only make things worse. If you’re out of work, you should try to get a job doing something even if it is just volunteering. Labor intensive jobs are good for this. It will take your mind off things if you have a place to go and things to do everyday.

Very good advice! I definitely need to hang out with my brother more often. It’s unfortunate they moved away to a new location that is at least a hour from here with bus and two hours by bicycle. But still…

Sorry for your losses man. Make the most of your relationship with your dad. Buddy of mine cannot stand being around his dad and sometimes complains about it and all I tell him is…dude, please go and try everything you can to fix this relationship with your dad, before it’s too late.

Dude, I understand you so well about having a kid and how that changes so much. Every few months I have my nephews over, one at a time otherwise it would be a zoo here and Lara would go nuts, lmao. But I notice how my mood improves incredibly when they are here, for sure. But having one of my own, I don’t know, I’m turning 40 this August, I don’t have a girl but I am open to finding one. I could be one of those people that will live the rest of his life without having a child of his own. I consider Lara my child, more or less, haha.

Yeah, there is just never ever a “good” time for this, no matter their age. Although, my grandma was just done with her life. She was in her 90s, she had lost her son, my father and she basically just said I have lived my life, its been good, I’m OK with it. As for going down a dark path, no that’s never good. But I can understand it so well if some people do go down a path like that, trying to drink the pain away or take something to go to another place temporarily. Personally I never did because I have never been familiar with drugs or alcohol at all.

When horrible things happen and you need to talk it off or anything like that I will always recommend a support group or someone whose job it is to listen to you. Thinking of finding a support group myself that is about depression, can definitely help to hear stories from other people, maybe I can help them and vice versa.

Life can be so wonderful and then so bloody horrible. I still miss my lovely Gran and even though my late Staff has been dead for over 20 years, I still miss every hair on his head; The pain and loss of my staff was so great I could never have another dog again. Its also because of my late staff that I started to keep my console boxes instead of throwing them out, his paw prints were on my (then new) Mega Drive that I had for Christmas, when it was just me and my boy, playing the MD at 5 AM Christmas morning, while the others were in bed. My late Staff would always look to sniff and check any new stuff out to make sure it was safe. I’ll never get rid of that box, ever

I’ll always love you Adam and you’ll always be my guardian angel

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Oh man…so sorry for that.

I have one myself and it certainly is true what huge human lovers they are. They steal your heart, that’s for sure. Such beautiful souls. Mine is turning five in January, it’s unbelievable how fast time flies. That’s what I rather not think too much about some of these highly anticipated games coming to Xbox in many years from now…because Lara won’t be any younger. That’s why I enjoy her company every single day and be the best I can be for her.

It’s also a big reason I have not been in much of a hurry to find a job. I don’t want her to be alone every day.

May Adam rest in peace man.

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Thanks, mate and I can only imagine what you are going through over Dad Ect.

I could never have another dog, the loss was too much for me and my Staff lasted till the age of 18 years old (and was active right up until the end) they just become part of and are the family. My Staff was spoilt rotten having his own cup of coffee in the morning, his own Sunday dinner, his own easter eggs (it’s utter crap that chocolate is bad for dogs) slept on the sofa or any bed he fancied.

My Dog’s father was a brute of a Staff, They get a bad rep, but there’s no better family dog than a Staff. Here’s Adam’s father, Dylan, he was a monster of a Staff. How many staffs have you had mate?

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Holy cow, he indeed got spoiled, hahaha, wow. Chocolate though, damn. I’ve always thought it was deadly for them, that’s what always been told to me but our family dog, a Bouvier years ago had found a box of chocolates, those with alcohol in them even, we call them bon bons here and he ate them all, he was fine. Sometimes when I eat sandwiches with chocolate flakes I drop one by accident and Lara eats it and I’m wary of that. But if your Staffy turned 18 with all that, wow, what am amazing age too.

Lara is my very first Staffy. Years ago when my father was still alive and me and my brother lived with him there was a point where I could get my own dog and I was dead set on getting a Staffy. But back then we loved going on vacation to countries like Italy, France and so on and we were told that laws for “dangerous” dogs like these weren’t great. So I decided against it for the time being. Then my co-worker at the time told me of a French bulldog and a nest of puppies, I went there and picked one. Yoshi.

After I said my final goodbyes to her at the pet doctor and the doctor was about to give her the final injection I decided to just wait, give it time and we’ll see. But I noticed how cold, empty, alone the house was. I started searching for pups of several breeds, only out of curiosity at first until I saw these super high quality and professionally made photos of a Staffy mom and her pups. Spoke to the people on the phone for hours, went there and when I left I had picked a pup.

At first I didn’t want to do it, because it felt bad for my lovely bulldog, as if I’d betray her it felt. But honestly it did not feel like that. I’m so immensely glad I went for Lara. It just sucks that she still suffers from itchy spots on her head. It has improved amazingly over the years, but it’s still there.

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Lovely photo mate. I call it all bull crap with chocolate and dogs, the only thing we didn’t give our Staff’s, was chicken bones and alcohol. That’s the worst part, when you lose a dog (just like you said) just how empty the house feels: No welcome when you come home and no dog shoving its head in the shopping bags Ect

Lara looks lovely, take care mate

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I’m glad some of us could help you find some solace Staffy. I truly believe this is a community overwhelmingly composed of people who have each others back and will left you up when you’re down. I hope you’ve recovered from the drunken night :wink:

My DMs are always open if you need someone to talk to you, or just someone to listen. As others have said, therapy is a wonderful tool if you’re able to and cherish those that are here just as much as those that aren’t.

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